


I Might Be Okay But I'm Not Fine At All

by mggislife2789



Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: Depression, Gen, Reader-Insert
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-06
Updated: 2017-08-06
Packaged: 2018-12-12 02:46:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,035
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11727891
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mggislife2789/pseuds/mggislife2789
Summary: Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters or their original stories. This is only for fun. It's where my brain goes after the credits roll. No copyright intended. Better safe than sorry. ;)





	I Might Be Okay But I'm Not Fine At All

As you walked home from work at night, you couldn’t help but pay attention as couple after couple walked hand-in-hand, smiles playing across their faces as they looked at each other - nothing else mattering but the feel of their skin, the warmth of their smile and the sparkles in their eyes. 

It had been so long since you’d felt that. Actually, if you thought about it, you weren’t sure whether you ever really had that. One ex-boyfriend, ended up being more of a friend than a lover. And here you were surrounded by them. The couple across the street walked steadfastly to the park about a block behind you. The smiles on their faces lit up the block despite the fact that the sun had set hours earlier. Her head was resting on his shoulders and though her hand hung limply in his, it was perfect and relaxed. Meanwhile, you’d barely ever felt anything resembling such peace and found yourself wondering if you ever would. Before walking in the door, you needed to know someone would be there, you couldn’t be alone, so you texted Spencer and asked him if he’d stay over tonight. Your closest friend in the world - he was the only one you trusted enough to open up to.

“Sure, I’ll be there in about 30 minutes. Are you okay?”

“Just having a really bad day and I don’t want to be alone.”

“I’ll be over as soon as possible. Love you.”

“Love you, too, Spencer.”  
With the faintest hint of a smile, you placed the phone back in your pocket and opened the door to your apartment, flopping down on the couch and staring off into the distance until Spencer knocked. He had a key, so you told him to let himself in. “Hey, Y/N,” he said worriedly, sitting next to you on the couch and attempting to turn your face toward him. “Are you okay?”

“Okay? Yea, but I’m not fine…you know?” You asked, not looking at him and instead staring wistfully out the window. 

Spencer leaned back into the cushions, gathering you to him, your head lying on his chest. His breathing seemed to calm you a bit, so when Spencer asked you what was wrong, you felt okay answering, rather than being pissed off by the question. “I can’t help but think like I’ll never have someone,” you said softly, listening to his steady heartbeat rather than tuning into the frantic beating of your own.

“What brought this on?”

The tears in your eyes started to sting. You pushed off of Spencer so that hopefully you wouldn’t get his shirt wet, but it was too late - a few drops of liquid already splashed onto his work shirt. “My walk home. My job. Everything. I just walk around and see people walking together and looking at each other like they are the only ones to exist in the word. Like they’re their everything. And I’ve never had that. I find myself thinking that maybe the universe doesn’t have that planned for me and it makes me sad.”

“I know how you feel,” he said. “Sometimes I get that way too. It helps if I break it down a bit though.”

“Of course you do,” you chuckled softly. “How do you break it down?”

“Well, think of it this way. Whenever you pass someone, a couple, a group, whoever it may be on the street, you’re catching a glimpse into their life, not the whole picture. That person with a smile on their face could be hiding a relationship gone bad. The couple holding hands could’ve just gotten into a fight and now they’re forcing themselves to put on a face for others to see. You just don’t know.”

You hadn’t really thought of it that way, always just assuming that everyone else had this amazing life that you’d never hope to reach, but Spencer was right - that might not always be the case. “It’s just hard to rewire your brain,” you whispered as you sat up and hugged your knees to your chest. You turned toward Spencer and saw the sorrow in his eyes. As your best friend, he hated it when you felt this way. Anyone that scooped you up would be the luckiest person on earth, but he understood how hard it was for someone to believe it when they hadn’t for long. “And because I can’t rewire it, I can’t help but look at people and see the life I don’t have, which makes me feel like this, and then I circle around again. It’s a vicious cycle of being okay, but not being okay.” Spencer sat across from you and allowed you to ramble. “I’m alive. I would never do something that would make not alive, but just because you’re alive doesn’t mean you’re actually living, and that’s kind of where I am right now, Spence.”

When you looked up, you saw his eyes drowning in tears. Spencer knew you the most out of anyone you knew, but you hadn’t been that open with anyone before. “I never knew you felt like that,” he said, his lip quivering as his voice cracked and he reached across the couch to grab your hand. “It’s going to take a while to rewire your brain. I get that, but dating doesn’t equal living. You have a family that loves you, a job you enjoy, friends that love you,” he said as he grabbed your hand and flashed you a cheesy smile. “Those things can equal living too. And if you want a relationship, then one day you’ll find it. We have more control over our own lives that the world would have you believe. Again, I know that it’ll take a while for you to rewire everything, but will you please talk to me whenever you feel this way? The idea of you walking around, feeling like you’re coasting and not truly living…it kills me. You deserve to be more than okay.”

“Thanks, Spence,” you said. “I’ll talk to you, I promise. I know it’ll take a while, I just wish it would move more quickly. I’m ready to be okay - with or without someone.”


End file.
